ENOUGH WITH THE BABIES ALREADY!
An urgent note to my friends:
You know I love every last one of you. Really. I love you loads. But I'm begging you. Please. Stop procreating already. It's more than I can take.
Sure, when this whole baby thing started, I thought it was cute. I knit baby blankets like crazy. I even knit one for one of Paul's employees. Am I the coolest boss's wife, or what?
But then I discovered that three (yes, THREE) of you are having babies in April alone. It was overwhelming, but I figured I'd just get them all over with at once. But now October babies are starting to be announced, and I just can't take it. I'm afraid to check my email or answer the phone, convinced with each new call that there's going to be another baby that I'm expected to knit for. Because that's what future aunties who knit do, right?
But this has got to stop. If it doesn't, I'll have to be put away -- not because I'll go insane (though that could possibly be a side-effect of non-stop baby knitting) but because I'll need the extra time alone to finish all those baby blankets and baby sweaters and baby booties.
Yes, I realize that pregnant is the new black. Everybody's doing it. Even Gwen Stefani and that poor little girl from Dawson's Creek. And I realize that maternity clothes are especially hip this season. But couldn't you just gain a bunch of weight and buy maternity clothes and just pretend? I'd really appreciate that.
If you must get pregnant, however, I would appreciate it if you'd give me a little consideration here. First of all, you're going to have to give me plenty of advance warning. Call me at the first sign of morning sickness, and I'll see what I can do to fit you and your spawn into my knitting schedule. If you think you can, for instance, not call for an entire nine months and then call a week after the baby is born (you know who you are) -- and still get a pretty hand-knitted gift -- you're dead wrong, buster. I'm not Wonder Woman.
Second, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop being so excited about it around me. Because then I tend to get excited for you, and I end up accidentally saying things like, "Oooh! I'll make the cutest little baby sweater!" out loud, and then I'm contractually bound to it. And I go home and kick myself repeatedly, since I already made you a frickin' blanket. And that should have been good enough. But I can't seem to keep my mouth shut.
From now on, I'm only going to allow one of my friends to give birth every six months. I figure that will give me enough time to knit you something cute and still have time leftover to knit myself pretty lace shawls. So give me a call when you get a chance, and we'll start scheduling your pregnancy.